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At what age is it inappropriate to shower with your child?

In general, I would say that by the age of 8 or 9 years-10 at the latest-most children have developed enough of a sense of personal boundaries and body space that they no longer want to shower with a parent or bathe with a sibling of the opposite sex. But Dr. Rosenblum's query raises broader issues.

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Q. The father of two siblings in my practice-a 7-year-old girl and a 5-year-old boy-is upset by the fact that their mother (from whom he is divorced) showers with the two children together.

Benjamin Rosenblum, MD Marlton, N.J.

A. There is no simple answer to this question-no single, developmentally appropriate age. In general, I would say that by the age of 8 or 9 years-10 at the latest-most children have developed enough of a sense of personal boundaries and body space that they no longer want to shower with a parent or bathe with a sibling of the opposite sex. But Dr. Rosenblum's query raises broader issues. A parallel discussion with the mother might touch not only on the divorce but also on whether she sees the shower as a "social" activity-which may be a holdover from times when the children were younger. Of equal importance is getting a sense from the children of how they feel about showering together. Are they embarrassed? Is it a matter of course? Do they laugh about it with their friends? Most children their age cannot directly express their feelings about something they are uncomfortable with, but their responses could provide an indication of when and how the pediatrician might assist this family. I would see this situation as a time to help both parents encourage the children to further develop personal boundaries and respect for each member of the family-and for each parent to do the same. By 5 or 6 years, most children are reluctant to "report" on a parent; asking them to do so shows a lack of respect for them as individuals. The need for such respect extends to activities such as showering together. Most 7- and 8-year-olds are beginning to develop a sense of social modesty and body space. Parents need to encourage siblings to respect this in each other. It's not uncommon for a child to be uncomfortable with bathroom and shower activities in the presence of others but to be afraid to say so. Siblings at this age cannot be expected to recognize signals on their own. Even if they do, their response may be to tease or harass their brother or sister. Likewise, adults have their own boundaries and expectations for privacy-whether that means sleeping in their bed without children or believing that their actions, as long as they are not illegal or abusive, will not be subject to judgments by an ex-spouse that are then voiced to their children. Teaching these lessons when a child is 6 to 8 years old is much more effective than trying, years later, to suddenly make an adolescent see the virtues of respect and tolerance.

William Sammons, MD Framingham, Mass.

DR. SAMMONS is in private practice and takes a special interest in the children of divorce. He is coauthor, with Jenny Lewis, MD, of Don't Divorce Your Children. He is board-certified in developmental and behavioral pediatrics.

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If the parent did not express an intent not to return after three months the court will make will charge of parental abandonment. Abandonment can be charged if a parent fails to pay child support.

Child Abandonment under Texas Law

Leaving a child under the age of 15 without reasonable and necessary care by an adult may constitute child abandonment. The court must prove the adult did this knowingly. Caregivers cannot be accused of abandonment but can be charged with other forms of neglect. Anyone who knows a child that has been abandoned or otherwise neglected must report this to local law enforcement. This is also true of people who deal with children like, teachers, nurses, probation officers, doctors and day care employees. A child left with a parent or a non-parent without intent to return can be considered abandonment. If the parent did not express an intent not to return after three months the court will make will charge of parental abandonment. Abandonment can be charged if a parent fails to pay child support. Filing a petition after failure to receive child support for six months, the delinquent parent has six months to pay child support or be charged with child abandonment. Men who knowingly fail to support the mother during pregnancy and do not see or support the child after birth, can be charged with legal abandonment of a child.

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