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Does lack of social skills mean autism?

Autistic folks may navigate the world and social interactions in a different way. That doesn't mean they don't have social skills. Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) varies in how it may affect an individual.

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Still, there isn’t a “right” or “wrong” way to think, behave, or learn. People experience and interact with their surroundings in different ways. So, being “neurodivergent” doesn’t mean there’s something “wrong” with you. On the other hand, “neurodivergent” generally refers to “atypical” developmental, intellectual, and cognitive abilities or behaviors. It may refer to autistic people, but could also be used for other conditions, like attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) or learning disorders. In the medical world, “neurotypical” refers to someone with “typical” developmental, cognitive, or intellectual abilities. Because social communication and interaction can be an area that proves difficult for many neurodivergent folks, autistic people often find it difficult to keep up with back-and-forth conversations, engage in group settings, and build relationships. According to a study from 2010 , about 60% to 65% of our communication is estimated to happen through nonverbal behaviors — the way people tend to communicate without words. Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) varies in how it may affect an individual. But the way folks communicate, hold, and build relationships are common pieces of social interaction that are often affected. Autistic folks may navigate the world and social interactions in a different way. That doesn’t mean they don’t have social skills. Sonny Jane, consultant and lived experience educator, speaks to previous understandings about autism and its effect on social skills. According to Jane, it was once thought that autistic folks lacked social skills, but they point to research showing that the social skills are just different. “It’s not that being autistic affects our social skills. It’s that being autistic means we have a different way of socializing that needs to be understood and accommodated. Often, things we see as social skills are neurotypical expectations or rules like making eye contact or making small talk,” they say.

Social ‘norms’ and cues

A social norm generally refers to something that society or culture renders “normal.” Everyone is expected to automatically understand and adhere to these unwritten rules, and diverging from the “norm” may be considered “abnormal.” Social norms are culturally bound — people from different cultures may have unique sets of norms. In some cases, what’s considered a social norm in one country may go against social norms in a different country. An example of a social norm in the United States is that avoiding eye contact is often interpreted as evasive, nervous, odd, or “shifty.” As autistic folks often avoid eye contact, neurotypical people may interpret their behavior as going against the “norm.” Other examples of social interactions or skills that neurotypical folks tend to find commonplace include:

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back-and-forth conversation and “small talk”

the concept of sarcasm

the concept of socially accepted “manners”

communication that uses both verbal and nonverbal cues

Communication

Because autistic folks engage with the world around them in a way that’s different from nonautistic folks, conversation across divergences can prove challenging. According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIH) , differences in communication may include:

not looking directly at others

responding to someone calling their name or other verbal attempts to get their attention slowly or not at all finding it difficult to keep up with ongoing conversation or engaging in “small talk”

not realizing that others are disinterested in a subject they’re talking about

An example of a recurring glitch in communication that mirrors a problemed social skill is the idea of indirect communication. This is akin to the idea of subtext or reading between the lines — all ways of saying or implying something without actually saying it but expecting the other party to be on the same page. This communication is commonplace for neurotypical folks, effectively making it an expected social skill. However, autistic folks tend to be more direct and may experience more ease in social communication when that is reciprocated. Jane says this lack of direct conversation can lead to assumptions about what the autistic person really meant and can also result in ruffled feathers due to frank responses being unexpected.

Relationships

Jane speaks to the double empathy problem, which suggests that people with different world experiences may find it difficult to empathize with one other. The theory explains the common complication in relationship building between autistic and nonautistic folks. It’s important to keep in mind that relationship barriers exist on both sides due to a lack of understanding. Another misconception is that only autistic folks experience barriers in social interactions, which is a perspective that’s both othering and inaccurate. Empathy is a two-way process that depends on social expectations and our way of thinking, doing, and processing. It’s about understanding the experience of another person. These parts can be difficult to do with folks who have different ways of understanding the world, so it can be challenging for people on either end to communicate and understand each other.

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