How do you detach a toxic child?

Examples of Detaching Focus on what you can control. ... Respond dont react. ... Respond in a new way. ... Allow people to make their own (good or bad) decisions. Dont give advice or tell people what they should do. Dont obsess about other peoples problems. Set emotional boundaries by letting others know how to treat you. More items... •

psychcentral.com - Codependency and the Art of Detaching From Dysfunctional ...

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Detaching is an effective way to cope with a codependent relationship or any toxic or dysfunctional relationship, whether its with an alcoholic parent, an addicted child, or a narcissistic spouse. Detaching is the opposite of enabling because it allows people to experience the consequences of their choices and it provides you with needed emotional and physical space so that you can care for yourself and feel at peace. Why do codependents need to detach? Codependents often find themselves in dysfunctional relationships where they spend an inordinate amount of time worrying and trying to control or fix other people. This is done with a loving heart, but it can become all-consuming. The problem is, sometimes your loved one doesnt want the help youre offering; they want to do things their own way. This creates a maddening push and pull where no ones happy and youre both trying to control and force. This can feel like an upside down roller coaster ride that never ends! Because of their caring nature, codependents can become obsessed with other peoples problems. They have good intentions and a real desire to help, but this fixation on problems they cant actually solve (like your Moms alcoholism or your adult sons unemployment) isnt helpful to anyone. Its a distraction from taking care of yourself and solving your own problems. It also prevents your loved one from taking full responsibility for their life and learning to solve their own problems. You cant solve other peoples problems According to codependency expert Melody Beattie, Detachment is based on the premises that each person is responsible for himself, that we cant solve problems that arent ours to solve, and that worrying doesnt help. (Codependent No More, 1992, page 60) Detaching is a way off of the relationship rollercoaster. Detaching allows you to take care of yourself, honor your own feelings and needs, and let go of the guilt and shame that result from taking responsibility for other peoples bad choices. What is detaching? Al-Anon (a 12-Step group for people affected by someone elses alcoholism) describes detachment with this acronym: Dont Even Think About Changing Him/Her Detaching means you stop trying to force the outcome that you want. Detach with love We use the term detach with love to remind us that detaching is a loving action. Detaching doesnt mean pushing people away or not caring about them. Detaching isnt angry or withholding love. Its letting go of controlling and worrying and putting responsibility back on the individual. Detaching also isnt cutting ties or ending a relationship (although, at times, that can be the healthiest choice). Detaching helps you to stay in relationship and not lose your sense of self. Detaching is similar to setting boundaries. Detaching puts healthy emotional or physical space between you and your loved one in order to give you both the freedom to make your own choices and have your own feelings. I think of detaching as untangling your life from someone elses so that your feelings, beliefs, and actions arent driven as a response to what someone else is doing. A popular Al-Anon reading advises: I must detach myself from his [the alcoholics] shortcoming, neither making up for them nor criticizing them. Let me learn to play my own role, and leave his to him. If he fails in it, the failure is not mine, no matter what others may think or say about it (One Day At a Time in Al-Anon, 1987, page 29). Detaching is a process Detaching is something you do over and over again in relationships. Like setting boundaries, its not something you do once and then forget about!

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