Photo: Julia Larson

How do you heal an emotionally hurt person?

Use active listening skills. Encourage them to talk by saying, “I want to hear what you have to say.” Reflect and validate your loved one's emotions by saying, “I can understand why you would feel hurt.” Ask clarifying questions to make sure that you truly understand: “You're saying that you felt angry.

serenityeftc.com - How to Apologize: 6 Steps to Repair When You've Hurt Someone You ...

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No one is perfect. When you’re in a close relationship with someone – whether it’s an intimate partner, child, parent, or friend – there will be times that you will say or do something that emotionally hurts that person. But how do you apologize? It can be difficult to admit that you’ve made a mistake and hurt someone you care about. That would mean acknowledging the yucky feelings that you have – the guilt, shame, and/or embarrassment over how you’ve behaved. However, the pain and hurt between you and the person you care about can linger, even if it seems that both of you are moving on. Other times, we may say a quick, “I’m sorry”, hoping that will cancel out the pain that you have inflicted. This can seem inadequate and unsatisfying for the person on the receiving end, and it is often not enough to heal the wound that is now affecting your relationship. Most of us aren’t taught how to apologize effectively, which is what is needed to heal and strengthen your relationship.

6 steps on how to apologize when you’ve hurt someone you love:

1) Reflect It’s difficult to genuinely apologize for something if you haven’t reflected on your behavior. What did you do? Why did you do it? Did you lash out in anger because you were feeling hurt, scared, or lonely? Were you merely tired or hungry, and got snippy and irritated? What was it that you were trying to communicate to your loved one? How do you think your loved one felt when you acted that way?

When you reflect on your behavior and emotions, you can communicate with your loved one in a more thoughtful, coherent manner. You can show them that you are taking time to reflect on your behavior, because you care about them and their feelings. It helps you to understand why you made the mistake, so you can take actions to avoid making that same mistake in the future. 2) Acknowledge Your Mistakes Acknowledging your mistakes is a way to show your loved one that you are taking responsibility for your actions. It makes explicit between you and the person you hurt what the mistake was. For instance, if you had yelled at your child, you could say, “I didn’t handle my anger well, and I yelled at you.” If you had criticized your partner, you could say, “I said things that were not kind.” 3) Ask Them: How Did Your Behavior Affect Them? You may think you understand how your loved one is feeling and why, but it is important to give them the space to share their experiences with you. Be curious during the conversation. Try to understand how they felt and why.

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This step can be very difficult. It can be easy to feel defensive when your loved one begins to share how your behavior affected them. However, that would not be effective in repairing the relationship. It would indicate that you haven’t taken responsibility for your mistake, possibly fueling additional pain. Instead of becoming defensive, notice how you are feeling, and take deep breaths to help you regulate through these uncomfortable emotions. 4) Listen! Use active listening skills. Encourage them to talk by saying, “I want to hear what you have to say.” Reflect and validate your loved one’s emotions by saying, “I can understand why you would feel hurt.” Ask clarifying questions to make sure that you truly understand: “You’re saying that you felt angry. Can you explain that to me more so I can understand?” 5) Apologize Finally, it is time to apologize. By first understanding how your behavior affected your loved one, you can apologize with the full knowledge of the ramifications of your behavior. This increases the impact of your apology. An apology can be as simple as, “I’m sorry I hurt you.” 6) One Step Further: How Will You Avoid This Mistake In The Future? This is the step where the reflection in the first step comes in handy. You can talk about why you made the mistake, and what steps you will take to try to not make the same mistake in the future. For instance, if you had yelled at your partner, you can say, “I got scared and angry when you told me that, and I didn’t handle my anger well. Next time I will try to take deep breaths or take a break to calm down before I lose my temper.”