How long should you be together before saying I love you?

The question of when to say “I love you” in a relationship is a contentious one. In the many conversations I've had on the topic, the consensus seems to be that three months in is the sweet spot.

vogue.com - Breathless: When Should You Say I Love You? - Vogue

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The question of when to say “I love you” in a relationship is a contentious one. In the many conversations I’ve had on the topic, the consensus seems to be that three months in is the sweet spot. But that feels like a lifetime to me. In all my serious relationships, the L-word was dropped closer to three weeks. And at the risk of sounding delusional, I often feel like I’m in love with someone after, like, three days.

I get that declaring love in less time than it takes to complete a juice cleanse seems deranged. You don’t want “I love you” to feel like the emotional equivalent of drunk sex—reckless, overeager, and hangover-inducing. But strategically withholding it to achieve some arbitrary “appropriate” benchmark feels depressing. If the goal is to be truthful and vaguely sane, when is the right time to say “I love you”?

My worst “I love you” story is from back in my mid-20s. Tragically, it was one of those ‘I like you more than you like me’ situations, and I couldn’t work up the courage to vomit my feelings onto his sandwich-stained sheets without guaranteed reciprocation. But after four months, while in a post-sex haze, it all came rushing out. His response was simply: “Uh-huh.” We went on to date for two more years. The word “love” was never mentioned again. My most recent “I love you” was directed at my current boyfriend. We met two years ago, and I vividly remember walking home after our first date and thinking, Oh no. I had that sinking feeling—the one that says, This person could really fuck me up. For me, falling in love often feels ominous, because there’s so much potential for hurt, rejection, and loss. Like, even if it all works out exactly as you hoped, you’re both eventually going to die. And probably not simultaneously.

We said “I love you” after dating for nine days. Fast, even by my slutty standards. He said it first, and I loved him even more for saying it. What’s braver than saying “I love you” first? But inevitably, the following day I couldn’t help but think, Wait... are we insane?! Is this just manic infatuation? Which leads to yet another question: How do you know if you actually love someone, or if you’re just high AF on dopamine and cum?

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How soon is too soon to get married?

Couples who date for one to two years before getting engaged are 20% less likely to get divorced than those who get engaged in less than a year, according to the study, and couples who've been together for three or more years before getting engaged are 39% less likely to get divorced.

mindbodygreen.com - How Soon Is Too Soon To Propose? 18 Signs You're Ready

There is no concrete rule for how soon is too soon to propose, according to Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, a licensed marriage therapist and co-founder of the premarital counseling service Ours. However, she points to a 2015 study of 3,000 married couples that found waiting at least a year tends to dramatically increase the odds of a successful marriage. Couples who date for one to two years before getting engaged are 20% less likely to get divorced than those who get engaged in less than a year, according to the study, and couples who've been together for three or more years before getting engaged are 39% less likely to get divorced. In general, Earnshaw recommends at least waiting until the so-called honeymoon stage is over before you propose. That's because our brain chemistry in this early phase of a relationship can cloud our ability to make rational decisions. "During this stage, couples are often highly influenced by lots of love hormones," she explains. "These hormones make us more likely to magnify the good and minimize the bad." The honeymoon phase tends to last anywhere from about three months to a year, she notes, and is typically marked by feelings of infatuation, passion, and intense emotions. "I always suggest couples move out of the honeymoon phase before getting engaged so they are going in with eyes wide-open."

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