What do psychologists say about the silent treatment?

Research has found that people who received the silent treatment experienced a threat to their needs of belonging, self-esteem, control, and meaningful existence. This type of behavior reinforces the feeling that someone we care about wants nothing to do with us. It can feel as though you don't exist.

choosingtherapy.com - The Silent Treatment: Signs & How to Respond

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What is the Silent Treatment?

The silent treatment is a refusal to verbally communicate with someone, often as a means of punishment, emotional manipulation, or control. Although this type of behavior is more common in an intimate or romantic relationship, it can also happen with family members, friends, or co-workers. Over time, the use of the silent treatment can become emotionally abusive. Research has found that people who received the silent treatment experienced a threat to their needs of belonging, self-esteem, control, and meaningful existence.1 This type of behavior reinforces the feeling that someone we care about wants nothing to do with us. It can feel as though you don’t exist.2 No matter what you try to do, you cannot reach the other person. On the contrary, there is absolutely nothing wrong with setting healthy boundaries in relationships and disagreements or sharing that you need to take a time out, break, or step away to calm down and reset. This demonstrates that you can recognize when your emotions are escalating and take the necessary steps to recover, which is a sign of emotional intelligence.

Why Does My Partner Use the Silent Treatment?

There are several reasons why a person resorts to using the silent treatment. First, they often may not know how to manage their feelings; they could be experiencing significant pain and feel emotionally overwhelmed and flooded. They might have also experienced childhood trauma, which can sometimes lead to maladaptive emotional responses, such as shutting down and giving people the silent treatment. Finally, they might also use the silent treatment as a passive aggressive approach to trigger reactive abuse from their partner.

Some reasons why your partner may rely on the silent treatment include:3

They have poor communication skills and don’t know how to express their needs or emotions

They struggle with control issues

They are not self-aware enough about their use of the silent treatment to make changes

You are in a trauma bond relationship

They have an avoidant attachment style

They may be repressing their emotions

They have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

They modeled this type of behavior from a caretaker

They are experiencing emotional flooding

It’s their primary coping mechanism

How to Identify the Silent Treatment in Relationships

It is important to be able to identify when silence and space from someone become the silent treatment. For example, you and your partner argue about plans for the evening. During the argument, one of you gets upset and stops talking. The other person may try to engage in a conversation to resolve the issue, to no avail. The person using the silent treatment may abruptly leave the house and stay out, or completely ignore the other partner the rest of the night, knowing this would be upsetting. In some cases, the use of the silent treatment may last for days or weeks. On the flip side, let’s say you and your partner have an argument about either one’s family meddling in how you raise your child and one of you starts to shut down to the point of leaving the room. However, it usually doesn’t take long for the upset, silent partner to let the other know whether they need more time, space, and ease any immediate concerns. Often, silence is not the only behavior to look out for—notice whether they go about their day as if nothing is wrong, know this behavior bothers you, seek alliance from other people, or if you feel increasingly anxious.

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Here are several signs that you are receiving the silent treatment from your partner:

They blatantly and frequently ignore you

They are silent for extended periods of time; you never know when it will end

They talk to other people, but not you

You feel like you are walking on eggshells

You try to talk to them, but they don’t respond to you

You feel punished by their silence

They don’t attempt to communicate their feelings to you

They use stonewalling tactics

Is Using the Silent Treatment Abuse?

Over time, the act of giving someone the silent treatment left unchecked can become a sign you’re in an abusive relationship. If you are experiencing this type of behavior in your relationship, it is important that you are also aware of other warning signs of emotional abuse.

Warning signs that the silent treatment may be abusive include:

They use it as a manipulation tactic to control the situation or conversation They know it bothers their partner or spouse, but continue to do it anyway

They use it as a form of passive-aggressive communication

It lasts for an inordinate amount of time

It leaves the person receiving it feeling more anxious, isolated, and alone

It forces the partner to reconcile with the abuser

It begins to erode a person’s self worth or self-esteem

The perpetrator of the silent treatment explicitly blames their partner for causing the silence The silent treatment is a negative and controlling form of communication. There is nothing that feels good about being on the receiving end of this type of aberrant behavior. As with other forms of abuse, the silent treatment could also become an insidious cycle of abuse if change does not occur.

choosingtherapy.com - The Silent Treatment: Signs & How to Respond

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