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What happens when a child grows up lonely?

Unfortunately loneliness perpetuates loneliness… once children start becoming lonely, having no friends, withdrawing from social interactions, lacking social skills, getting bullied, with no intervention to help them cope better, they struggle to feel good about themselves, start withdrawing more, trusting people less…

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We’re writing this page for adults who want to know more about loneliness in children. Caring for our tamariki is crucial – and takes more than just the family and whanau to keep them safe and feeling completely cared for and happy. Anyone who has been a parent or child-caregiver genuinely can appreciate the great responsibility we have, with such immense challenges. So if you are concerned about your own or someone else’s baby or child our heart goes out to you…and of course the infant or child that is having any difficulties. We feel such high empathy for children who often can only get past their loneliness by having an adult identify that the child is lonely and to actively do something about helping them. Just like adults, there are so many different reasons for a child to become lonely…and many of these reasons the child has no control over, and has no skill, to help themselves. They need you. When reading this we ask you to appreciate there are all sorts of people in the world – many, many of whom would be heartbroken to know that they unwittingly might have contributed to a child’s loneliness. There are those parents who have read every piece of advice on child care, and still have lonely children; and others who haven’t really thought much about what a child really needs and how to give it, so wouldn’t know to consider a child’s loneliness, or other problems. There are so many different family arrangements, some with every single person loving and caring for each other, and others where there is a dysfunctional situation which could affect children. Some situations that can affect the progress of the child are out of control of the main caregiver of the child. There are many wonderful siblings and there are jealous siblings, and siblings who have no control of how they interact with other children. There are mostly fantastic teachers who do amazing work with every individual in their class, and there are teachers who are over stretched and personally exhausted who might miss cues to help address loneliness in children. If you are struggling with a child, we really do feel for you, and especially if you are very tired and run down, or having your own emotional struggles. There is no magic formula to being a perfect parent or caregiver – with every child and situation being different. The best parents and caregivers really try hard to understand how babies and children express themselves and they consciously consider the good or the damage that their reactions will have long term on these children. They try to understand the past behaviours and identify patterns. The best parents and caregivers also don’t give up on children…when they cannot make something right themselves they seek help. Sometimes it doesn’t take much for another person to help you see what you could change in yourself, or your environment, to help your child. So we aren’t judging what has caused any child to become lonely, or what efforts you have put in to avoid loneliness. We aren’t looking to place any guilt trips, or to make you a more anxious parent, especially if you already are doing all you can. We are wanting a much higher awareness that loneliness in infants and children is not to be ignored or taken as something to grow out of. We want our tamariki to be helped properly through loneliness. And we want new children coming into our lives to be raised with no long lasting loneliness.

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