What makes a person selfish?

Selfish is defined as being concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself: seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others. Simply put, Art Markman, Ph.

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A truly selfish person may upset the balance of reciprocity that naturally exists in relationships. For example, we expect that when we do things for our friends and neighbors, that they will do things for us of roughly equivalent value over time. “A selfish person in that context is someone who does not contribute their share,” Markman says. “Over time, they get dropped as friends or ostracized as neighbors or colleagues.” With family, we do not keep score quite as closely, but we still know when there is an imbalance in which one person is consistently giving and another is consistently taking. Hearing Markman’s definition of what makes a selfish person, I was pretty sure I’m not one. But then, isn’t that exactly what a selfish person would say? Sigh. I have some friends who are so completely unselfish. My friend Sarissa works full-time, has two young boys, takes care of her mother, and always makes time for me and others. She's not the only person I know like that. And then there’s me: I am not that friend who talks only about themself on, say, a group text chain. (Cough, cough.) And I try to practice empathy and kindness. But does that make me not selfish? I have only myself, my husband, a dog and a cat to take care of. I care for my family, but I am not their caretaker. I’ve put my needs before others’. I’ve written thousands of words on the internet about my own life and experiences—and doubled down by promoting those stories on social media. I started down the rabbit hole with Markman, wondering if I’m just another member of the “me” generation, dressing up selfishness as self-care and self-expression. He set me straight right away: “Adults have been decrying the ‘me’ generation forever. The children growing up in the ’70s were labeled the ‘me’ generation, but there is no evidence that they are any more or less selfish than Boomers or Gen Y or Millennials.” To really determine whether I’m selfish, Markman tells me, I need to stop looking in and start reaching out: “With your close friends, you can ask whether you come across as selfish. Then, be willing to listen to the answer without getting defensive.”

So that’s what I did.

I asked my husband, two best (and very honest) friends, and my mom if they thought I was selfish. I texted some and emailed others, and I asked if they I thought I tended to act selfishly. I encouraged them to be honest. This was research, after all! And I could take it, I swear. My husband, Nate, replied first, telling me that my concern for others always comes before my own and it’s one of the things he loves most about me—and then calling me out for always taking the booth side at a restaurant. My mom told me that it was touch-and-go when I was a teen but I’m the “least selfish person she’s ever met.” I take this with an enormous grain of salt, because my mom never says a bad word about anyone and is—well—my mom.

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