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What to do when someone starts isolating themselves?

When A Loved One Isolates Themselves Recognise the signs. People often isolate themselves because they're experiencing emotional pain. ... Reach out with patience. ... Avoid toxic phrases. ... Be specific with your offers of help. ... It's ok to tell them you're concerned but not in the space to help. ... You don't have to say anything.

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When A Loved One Isolates Themselves

Shelley was worried. When she heard Aaron had suddenly stopped turning up to work and blocked everyone on social media, she knew something was wrong. In all the years she’d known him, he was someone who always stayed connected, giving notice even if he was 5 minutes late to a meeting. She wanted to reach out, but she didn’t know how to. As someone who also tends to isolate themselves when I feel overwhelmed, I know my friends can find it confusing to know how to navigate this space — whether to reach out, what to do, or what to say. For world mental health week, here are some of the things I wish people knew about how to deal with someone who has isolated themselves.

Recognise the signs

People often isolate themselves because they’re experiencing emotional pain. Unlike physical pain, emotional pain often manifests itself in the following behaviours. Personality change: Their personality shifts and becomes unusual. Agitated: They seem uncharacteristically angry, anxious, agitated, or moody. Withdrawn: They withdraw or isolate themselves from other people. Poor self-care: They stop taking care of themselves and may engage in risky behaviour. Hopelessness: They seem overcome with hopelessness and overwhelmed by their circumstances.

Reach out with patience

“What if nothing’s wrong? I don’t want to make things awkward.”

If you’re worried about someone, trust your gut. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen if you reach out to someone you care about?

Reaching out to someone doesn’t have to be a grand intervention. It could start by sending a picture of a cafe that reminds you of them or a link to a song from an artist you both love. It can be a message to say, “Hey, I was just thinking about you. How are you doing?”. I think we often get caught up in the word choices or mediums when in fact, it’s the gesture that matters. As a fiercely independent and guarded person who struggles to reach out for help, I’m grateful for and appreciate it when people take initiative to check in on me. It reassures me that I‘m not alone. Ok, but what if nothing’s wrong? Then at least you know they’re ok.

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What if they don’t reply and avoid me? Then at least you know you’ve tried.

Avoid toxic phrases

When we’re at a loss for words, sometimes we repeat the phrases that we’ve often heard ourselves:

Don’t give up

Be strong

Just be positive

It could be worse

While these phrases sound optimistic, the problem is that they are actually pieces of counterproductive (and often unsolicited) advice. Instead of listening to your loved one and acknowledging their emotional pain, these comments invalidate how they feel, the magnitude of the issues they face, and implies there’s a ‘right’ way they should be feeling or facing their difficulties. If I’m going through a rough time and hear these phrases, I feel disheartened and think to myself, “I know that already. I’m trying to be positive/strong.” or “I know it could be worse. That’s why I feel pathetic for feeling stuck.” More helpful phrases offer validation and hope. Psychotherapist Whitney Hawkins Goodman suggests some of the following: This is hard. You’ve done hard things before and I believe in you.

I know there’s a lot that could go wrong. What could go right?

I hear you.

I believe you.

Be specific with your offers of help

“Let me know if you need anything” is thoughtful and offering help is wonderful. Yet, when anything is so broad, what if I ask for too much?

The reality is, when I’m in emotional pain, I worry about burdening others. I wonder if you really meant it when you said you could help out with anything or whether that was spoken out of social obligation. Sometimes, I don’t know how to help myself either and I don’t have the energy to figure it out. A great offer of help someone once gave me was, “Come over and I can make you brunch”. We played with his two dogs and played video games for half the day. Unsure yourself if your offer of help would be intrusive? Ask if it’ll be ok with them. If they take you up on your offer, then follow through with it.

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It’s ok to tell them you’re concerned but not in the space to help Once a friend of mine reached out to me knowing I wasn’t ok. Yet, neither was she. She told me, “I want you to know that I care about you. I’m not in a headspace myself to be there for you but I wanted you to know I’m thinking of you and I hope you feel better soon.” I really appreciated her honesty because it gave me context. It gave me a context to understand her actions and to know what to expect. You’re not being rude. It’s communicating and setting boundaries so we both know what to expect. Supporting someone can look like referring them to further resources or a professional, or letting them know you’re thinking of them. If you care about them and your relationship with them, then please don’t just disappear because they can misinterpret why you’ve suddenly gone silent on your end — which is much more upsetting.

You don’t have to say anything

Some people are always trying to problem-solve or create magic. They don’t understand sometimes their partner is just looking just for them. They’re the answer to the problem. Their partner just wants their emotional presence.

— Dr. Sue Johnson

We’re so obsessed with saying the right thing or not saying the wrong thing, sometimes, we forget saying “I don’t know what to say/do” can be a legitimate and sincere option too. You could say, “I don’t really understand it and I don’t know what to say. I see you’re hurting though, and I don’t want you to be alone. Can I give you a hug?” But often, your emotional presence is enough, and you could simply sit in silence with me.

That alone would be wonderful.

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