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What to do when your needs are not being met?

How to Talk to Your Partner About Your Needs Pick an appropriate TIME. ... Find something to PRAISE. ... Focus on HOW YOU FEEL first. ... Then state WHY. ... Clarify your NEED. ... Make a REQUEST or INVITE them to solve the problem with you. ... THANK them for listening. ... ASK them if there is anything more they'd like to talk about with you.

mudcoaching.com - How To Talk To Your Partner About Your Needs Not Being Met
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What I suggest doing when you are feeling upset and angry is first own your emotions and realize that they stem from your interpretation of the situation, not from the facts of the situation. Your fears and deep-seated beliefs about your own sense of inadequacy, unworthiness, or unlovability often lie at the root of all those negative stories you tell yourself about why life is happening the way that it is. Especially in relationships! Take a moment to challenge your assumptions, and allow in the possibility that something completely different could be true. Like that you are loved! And that with patience and respectful communication, you can experience something exceptional with the person you love. Next, assume your partner is innocent and offer them the benefit of the doubt. Remember that they love you and want you to be happy. Finally, see this as an opportunity to vulnerably share something about yourself with your partner so that they can understand you better, and be curious so that you, through this experience, can learn something about them, too. Learning about each other is how we become better at loving one another. This requires compassion, an open mind, and a commitment to mutual listening and understanding. (Listen to Dara discuss emotional needs on the She Calls Her Shots podcast.)

How to Talk to Your Partner About Your Needs

Ok, so now that we’ve set the foundation regarding perspective, energy, and intention, we can move on to what to actually say to your partner about your unmet needs. For each of the 8 steps below, I offer suggestions for what to say, but they are of course merely suggestions. The goal is that you speak from your heart and express your truth with love and gentleness.

1. Pick an appropriate TIME.

Let your honey know you have something on your mind and want to discuss it with them. Ask if this is a good time. If it isn’t, decide together when a good time would be.

2. Find something to PRAISE.

Begin the conversation by sharing something you are happy about- it could be something small that they did or said recently, or a way in which they have generally been showing up and how it makes you feel. Let them know you see what they are doing right and that you are aware of the positives in them and the relationship. It could be something as simple as, “First I want to say that the other day when you *fill in something kind, thoughtful, sexy, fun that they did or said*, I really liked that. It made my day.”

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*Important note: if your partner is feeling anxious about the conversation and is showing or expressing that they just want to know what’s going on, skip this step. In this situation it’s better to just get right to it to ease the distress your partner is feeling being in the dark. You can offer up praise at the end if it feels right and not forced.

3. Focus on HOW YOU FEEL first.

I feel…

disconnected/distant/lonely/sad/rejected/worried/frustrated

4. Then state WHY.

because we haven’t…

had a date night/gone on an adventure/spent a whole day together/had sex/just laid around and goofed off together/shown each other much affection/shared the household responsibilities equally/been checking in with each other like we used to...

5. Clarify your NEED.

It’s really important to me that we *blank* because that is what I need to feel… connected to you/safe in the relationship/confident that we are in a good place/appreciated by you/loved by you/important to you/close to you. 6. Make a REQUEST or INVITE them to solve the problem with you.

Would you be willing to *state specific behavior*? Or…

Can we talk about what it will look like for us to *blank*?

From here you get into the meat of the conversation. This is where you discuss what works for both of you regarding the need and how it should get met. Remember that while the need is non-negotiable, the way you want the need met sometimes needs to be negotiated.

7. THANK them for listening.

Let them know how much it means to you that you’ve been able to share and feel heard. Mention anything specific that they did or said that you really appreciated. 8. ASK them if there is anything more they’d like to talk about with you.

Is there anything else you’d like to say? I’m listening.

How does it feel to imagine having this conversation with your partner? What stands out to you about my suggestions?

Hopefully you noticed that nowhere in the conversation is there a demand. The word ‘you’ is rarely used. Instead it is ‘we’. A sense of ownership over your own needs is what underpins this conversation, and with that you pose an invitation to your partner to participate willingly and mutually in the meeting of your needs. In the end you come to a clear mutual understanding of what is needed and wanted, and make an agreement for how to go about it. When it comes to fulfilling all of your needs, here is a short recap of 3 things that really help set you up for success:

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Know your needs and articulate them clearly as soon as possible.

Choose circumstances, conditions, and relationships in which there is evidence that your needs can be met. Confirm that others understand your needs and that they agree to your expectations. By laying down this foundation, it’s much easier to address and rectify things whenever there is a breakdown or a disconnect. But of course, many of us are disconnected from our own needs and end up struggling with identifying what we really need, what we want, and how to communicate that in relationships. That’s okay. If this is you, it’s not too late to find the joy and satisfaction you long for in your relationship. As long as you can own that you are in the process of discovering new things about yourself regarding your needs, and lovingly clue your partner in to what you are learning and invite them to show you love in the ways you desire rather than demanding it, things can work out beautifully. If you are overwhelmed and tired of feeling stuck in the same old negative patterns and feelings of loneliness and disconnection in your relationship, I’m here to help. My 3 month, 1-1 program Relational Mindset Journey will help you dramatically improve your relationship sooner than you think is possible. Life is too short to go on struggling and feeling unfulfilled in your relationships. We all need support and guidance with relationships so stop going down the same old dead end roads and be guided to a fresh, new path—one that leads to the love and connection you long to have. Do you have thoughts, questions, or anything you’d like to add? I’d love to hear from you! Please leave a comment and share what’s on your mind. Or email me privately anytime.

Go deep. Own your life.

Xo,

Dara

mudcoaching.com - How To Talk To Your Partner About Your Needs Not Being Met
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