Survivalist Pro
Survivalist Pro
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Self-centered people often feel threatened, vulnerable, and anxiously insecure with others. Narcissistically self-centered people suffer from an addiction to their specialness; they have an underlying insecurity related to an inability to safely love and be loved. Self-centeredness then is driven by pain.
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Read More »What do you think about all day? If it is mostly about you, then you may suffer from self-centeredness. People consider self-centeredness to be a negative character trait. If you are self-centered, the first thing to do is to not beat yourself up about it. If you do, your shame will just give you another reason for negative self-preoccupation. Instead, see your self-centeredness as a symptom of an underlying angst—the felt sense that you are somehow insufficient or unsafe. Anxiety drives self-centeredness. It can be an existential insecurity regarding your inherent worth, value, safety, or wholeness. For some, it is a painful sense of a lack of integrity or authenticity. There is a feeling that they are somehow frauds. I’ve heard self-centered patients refer to themselves as losers, rejects, or junk. Self-centered people often feel threatened, vulnerable, and anxiously insecure with others. Narcissistically self-centered people suffer from an addiction to their specialness; they have an underlying insecurity related to an inability to safely love and be loved. Self-centeredness then is driven by pain. The pain is that we are not worthy or safely connected to others. I suspect self-centeredness originates from a combination of genes, childhood trauma and training. During our early years, our primary caregiver (usually our mother) teaches us how to feel about ourselves based on how they feel about us. We absorb our sense of self like a preverbal sponge, for the felt sense of self is before words. Ideally, we absorb a sense of being worthy and whole despite our misbehavior and regardless of our talents. Hopefully, we are then socialized to be attuned to others so that we might form mutual friendships where we learn over time to focus on others in the dance of interdependence. For all too many, however, these processes go awry. There is misattunement, trauma, or both. If we are emotionally neglected, our emotional limbic system will not develop a stable sense of wholeness and relatedness. If our mothers experience distress, we absorb that distress into our being as well. If we suffer the traumas of abuse, early social rejection, social isolation, or bullying, our capacity to engage in interdependence with a sense of safety and wholeness can be damaged. Disconnected and broken, we slip into self-centeredness. Being self-centered is costly. It is at the root of many psychiatric illnesses, including addiction, personality disorders, anxiety disorders, and depression. Self-centeredness damages relationships, because self-ruminations rob you of the capacity to tune into and attend to others. You cannot be empathic. It is a vicious cycle, because the anxiety that drives negative self-centered ruminations causes more anxiety.[1] Depressed people experience compulsive negative self-ruminations that worsen and perpetuate depression. Self-centeredness may even contribute to more health problems and a shortened life span.[2] Self-centeredness also drives addiction, because self-centeredness leads to disconnection, and disconnection fuels addiction, which creates more disconnection and self-absorption, and so on in a downward spiral of misery. Self-reflection, as opposed to self-centeredness, can be helpful. Thinking through our problems, for example, can be helpful for problem solving, especially when done with others. Self-reflection can also enhance insight—again best with the help of others—as we attempt to make sense of ourselves and our lives. If self-reflection can help us to develop a compassionate, insightful, and accountable narrative of ourselves, then it can promote healing and growth.
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Read More »Second, mindfully let go of self-absorption. Instead, focus outward. Make this an intentional, daily life habit. Devote yourself to your true purpose: to nurture and savor Life. Focus on others. Reach out to them. Devote yourself to the practice of love in all your daily affairs. Develop a healthy social network of loving people and engage with them in loving interdependence. Get involved in a sport, an art, a hobby, or a cause. Ask what the world asks of you and answer the call. Be of service to others. Be helpful, generous, and kind as you go throughout your days. Remember that giving is a gift you give to yourself. As you connect with others, be careful, especially if you have a history of trauma. Combine reverence for others with a healthy respect for the potential of others to hurt you if you let them. Protect yourself so that you are not retraumatized. Practice assertiveness. Be discerning. Limit your engagements with people who are abusive, exploitative, or neglectful. You are looking for safe, accountable mutuality. At the same time, realize that we all can step on each other’s toes. Be ready to forgive unintended missteps and disappointments. You can free yourself of self-centeredness by combining the practice of mindfulness with the practice of love—for yourself and others. Be patient and persistent, as it can take time to heal and reprogram the brain through these practices. Recruit the help, guidance, and support of a professional for treating any underlying psychiatric illnesses, including any addiction, anxiety, depression, trauma or neglect, that may be driving your self-centeredness. With support, intention, effort, and persistence, you too can be freed from this painful condition.
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